After working with couples for almost ten years, I have noticed a marked increase in the number of couples who are interested in opening their relationship in some way.
For some, it may stem from curiosity.
For others, they’re just learning the name for how they’ve approached relationships their whole lives.
Whatever the spark that starts the conversation, it’s important to understand that the process of opening a previously monogamous relationship isn’t something to be rushed or vaguely defined.
Maybe the question that starts the conversation is, “Should we do this?”
What keeps the momentum going is asking, “How will we do this?”
Here are three key things to consider before taking the next step.
Communication Has To Go Deep and Be Radically Honest
If you and your partner feel that communication about your relationship is already fantastic, that’s wonderful. It’s a skill in every relationship and I love that yours is already strong.
When it comes to discussions about opening the relationship, it is vital that the communication gets more honest and specific than it ever has before.
This is not the time for being vague in your desires or how you feel about your partner’s desires.
Examples of specific questions I’ve talked through with clients include:
- How much of our combined finances are we willing to allocate towards spending with other partners?
- Is sex with someone else a priority or is your motivation to find emotional connections?
- What does it look like to prioritize our connection as we explore opportunities with others?
These questions can be challenging to navigate and stir up a lot of emotions.
I heard once that polyamory doesn’t create problems in your relationship, it amplifies issues that were already there.
I’ve seen that play out firsthand.
If there’s tension that exists about finances, that will be amplified as you explore opening the relationship.
If one partner feels that you don’t have enough quality time built into your week, that won’t suddenly get better once the relationship expands.
As you’re reading this, if these questions and concerns sound familiar, don’t worry. Therapy can be a great place to have the space to navigate these conversations.
Boundaries Need to Be Clear (and Realistic)
Let me take a second and just outline the difference between boundaries and rules so you know where I’m coming from.
Rules are me controlling what you do.
Boundaries are me controlling what I do.
A rule sounds like, “You’re not allowed to develop feelings for someone else.”
A boundary sounds like, “If you sense an emotional connection developing with someone you’re seeing, then I would like to know about it so we can talk through what that means for us.”
The reality is that it’s impossible to avoid the discomfort of talking about these topics, that’s not the goal. The goal is to do your best to gain clarity and figure out:
- What feels okay
- What doesn’t
- What happens if something crosses a line
That said, boundaries can be difficult to identify before you try something new. Which leads me to the third thing I think you should consider before opening the relationship.
Proactive Problem Solving Matters More Than Optimism
You and your partner are drawn to an open relationship because you see the possibility of new experiences and fulfillment.
It is absolutely true that those positives can lead to some really cool adventures that lead to deeper and broader connections!
I also believe that the couples who get to really enjoy the positives of an open relationship, have also considered how to handle it if someone feels hurt or a problem arises.
Proactive Problem Solving sounds like:
- How will we handle it if someone feels left out?
- What if I want this more than you do?
- Will we share this new part of our relationship with our friends?
This is not looking for negativity, it’s being realistic that things can get complicated and you want to be prepared.
Talking through these questions with someone makes your new adventure safer and more enjoyable for everyone involved.
These Conversations Aren’t About Doing It “Right.”
It’s about being intentional.
There’s no one-size fits all approach to polyamory, so the actual structure you and your partner are drawn to matters a lot less than how you approach this new space together.
Creating ways to make this process intentional, clearly communicated, and mutually agreed upon helps this new venture more sustainable.
If You’re Considering Opening Your Relationship
It can be helpful to have a place to talk through these changing dynamics before big decisions are made.
We can talk through what would actually work in your actual relationship, not just what sounds good in theory.
I love helping people navigate what change looks like in polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships and I’m not nervous to ask the questions that will really matter.
Click here to schedule a free consultation today or see more at Connectedthreadstherapy.com!
